Best and most important substack writing for me this year. 20 year marriage. External success masking quiet dissatisfaction. I’m the conflict avoiding party. My father left my mother and me when I was 3 never to visit again. My Stepdad lasted 5 years and left. My sister moved out at 12. Conflict revolves around my mother and although I avoid it like the plague - what you have shown me is the path forward and for that, my friend, I am grateful.
I’m guilty in both directions - both fear of confrontation, and been the belligerent party who bullied others into silence.
Fear is powerful and keeps one stagnant. So too is the volatile party who may quietly suspect others are talking behind their back, but enjoys the leverage that being able to terrify others into avoidant compliance can bring.
Empathetic conflict resolution is the synthesis between those two dysfunctional extremes.
If a relationship is so fragile and riven with conversational landmines that it can be blown up by touching on certain topics, why would you want to hold on to such deeply-flawed relationships?
Maybe if it's a financial relationship with a lucrative client/boss that one can understandably endure a lot of grief to maintain the flow of money (but even that has its own price).
Every low-quality relationship you make extra effort to sustain is denying your finite attention to relationships with people who would genuinely appreciate and honor your attention and love.
Best and most important substack writing for me this year. 20 year marriage. External success masking quiet dissatisfaction. I’m the conflict avoiding party. My father left my mother and me when I was 3 never to visit again. My Stepdad lasted 5 years and left. My sister moved out at 12. Conflict revolves around my mother and although I avoid it like the plague - what you have shown me is the path forward and for that, my friend, I am grateful.
It’s a Re-read!
I’m guilty in both directions - both fear of confrontation, and been the belligerent party who bullied others into silence.
Fear is powerful and keeps one stagnant. So too is the volatile party who may quietly suspect others are talking behind their back, but enjoys the leverage that being able to terrify others into avoidant compliance can bring.
Empathetic conflict resolution is the synthesis between those two dysfunctional extremes.
Good post. But those conversational landmines can also blow up whatever was left of those tenuous relationships.
If a relationship is so fragile and riven with conversational landmines that it can be blown up by touching on certain topics, why would you want to hold on to such deeply-flawed relationships?
Maybe if it's a financial relationship with a lucrative client/boss that one can understandably endure a lot of grief to maintain the flow of money (but even that has its own price).
Every low-quality relationship you make extra effort to sustain is denying your finite attention to relationships with people who would genuinely appreciate and honor your attention and love.