You Are an NPC (So be a good one)

Likewise, I'm an NPC is YOUR first-person story too. Consider this essay my attempt to be a value-adding NPC in your life.

Excerpt from the book “The Favor Bank: Navigating the Invisible World.”

Previously, we spent considerable time discussing what others are willing to do for you (and how far they would go to act in your benefit).

We shall explore and refine further this measure of others’ willingness to act to your benefit later in the book. For now, let us be content with a thought exercise inverting that lens of “who would do what for my benefit” and explore the topic from the other side. Who in your phone would YOU invest considerable time and/or financial resources to help? What are the names of those who you’d be willing to upend your schedule to comfort, if he or she experiences a tragic loss?

Put another way, who among the people in your life would YOU be a Category One stalwart for? Who merits your willingness to risk your hard-earned reputation, financial resources, or even life/safety?

Why?

Next, zoom out.

Who are your Category Twos, and how much effort would you expend to add value to their lives or take initiative to do things for their benefit? Consider further: what’s preventing you from going as far for them as you would for those who have your Category One loyalty?

Now consider the vast majority of your infrequently-thought-about contacts who default to Category Three. Of your Category Three relationships, nearly all of them probably stayed Category Three the entire time you’ve known them - casual contacts you’ve had a few vaguely-positive interactions with but don’t know that well. While it’s tempting to dismiss Category Three as the unimportant and too-large-and-fuzzy-to-care-about segment of your phone, it’s worth remembering that (aside from blood family) everyone in your Category One and Category Two inner circle were once Category Three casual contacts you didn’t know that well. When you consider where will your next fiercely-loyal Category One/Category Two allies come from, what is more likely: would this be someone who is a total stranger to you right now, or someone you already know today (in the fuzzy, imperfect way we know our Category Three relationships)?

The more you can deepen points of contact and interactions with existing segments of your Category Three relationships and establish a reputation for being a value-emitter, the more likely you can discern which relationships are worth further investment of time and energy, and the more visibility you offer for other value-emitters looking for their counterparts in your casual network of social contacts.

Next, among the contacts in your phone, which relationships are entirely transactional (Category Fours), and would you like them to remain so? If the answer is “yes,” that is ok. The goal should be to make sure you organize and steer your relationships intentionally, not allow them to settle into various categories due to negligence, happenstance or inattention.

Finally, who do you dislike so intensely that you might be inclined to expend effort hamstringing his endeavors (e.g., discourage your friends from working or even socializing with them)?

That is to say, who are you a Category 5 antagonist to, and why? 

Upon thoughtful reflection, what decisions can you make or how can you reallocate your energies to increase the quality of your important relationships, or at least, mitigate their degradation through neglect? 

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You are an Non Player Character (NPC) … So be a good one!

You - yes, you, are a Non-Player Character (NPC), at least to everyone else you meet. Think about it this way: from their perspective, you are merely a side-character (of varying importance) in THEIR first-person story.

As ego-deflating as this truth feels, there is a wonderful paradox at play: the more you embrace and internalize the notion that you are merely a NPC in the lives of others, the more likely you will get what you want (and on your own terms) from everyone else in your life.

Why?

Human nature defaults to self-centeredness. Each of us clamors to be recognized for our own uniqueness and to be understood, amidst a crowd of others competing to do the very same. Significant effort is necessary to suppress this instinct: to step outside oneself and to inhabit someone else’s first-person perspective. The very difficulty of this task ensures that only few ever practice this skill, and fewer still are proficient. 

If you are among that elite few who cultivate the skill of building accurate mental models of the preferences, motivations and biases of the people around you, then you have access to a rare ability (almost a cheat code) to secure others’ cooperation, support and resources.

Indeed, this is the key lever behind those who command powerful and deep Favor Banks. 

They have the ability to reliably offer value to each person in their life (in the fashion their friends and allies most-appreciate, because of their understanding of the needs and pain-points of those around them). They also know how to ask for others’ help in a manner most-likely to secure their cooperation.

From the (self-centered) perspective of most people, they are surrounded by unreliable, selfish NPCs, who clamor to push their agendas at every turn, and vie to have their uniqueness acknowledged. By contrast, from their perspective, you, leaning into your value-giving, reliable NPC archetype, makes you someone they want in their lives and in their corner; they are motivated by their self-interest to win the loyalty and support of a reliable, value-emitting NPC … namely you.

This is the irony of being an effective practitioner of a growing Favor Bank -  the more you embrace your role as “be a good NPC” to those around you, the more power and influence you accumulate.

Our egos insist that we are the hero-protagonist of our own story, and while that is technically true - that is a limited perspective held by you, and you alone. To everyone else, you (in all your complexity and nuance) can be defined by them via three to four traits. To be fair, you do the same when you build your internal map of others in your life.

Since we cannot change human nature - the wisest strategy to conduct your life is to establish a pattern of reliability, generosity and graciousness, so that the three or four attributes most-likely to be used to describe you by those around you are positive.

By contrast, those who demand that their own needs, uniqueness or depth of nuance be acknowledged by everyone they meet (or behave that way) will find themselves bumping up against the cacophonous demands of others who are also doing the exact same thing.

Understanding how you are viewed, and which three to four attributes you’ve known by (earned through the reputation of your previous interactions/observed behaviors around them) will affect how you’re treated by them.

The only path to increase your standing and esteem amongst the people you know is to earn better reputational credit through the decisions you make that add value to their lives.

Even though you are a side-character in everyone else’s stories, how important and valuable of an NPC you are to them is something you have a lot of control over. On a long enough time horizon, those who repeatedly show up, add value (in a manner meaningful to the recipient) and demonstrate themselves as high-value NPCs will inevitably accumulate a lot of personal power across their interpersonal and professional circles; that positive reputation is the building blocks of a deep and powerful Favor Bank.